The Secret Diary of Legolas Greenleaf
by lalaithien
Summary: Yet another of my Secret Diaries. Enjoy it or hate it, but please no hate-mail!!


**The Secret Diary of Legolas, son of Thranduil of the Mirkwood Elves**

Author's Note: And now, for another installment in my Secret Diaries series. The idea was inspired by Cassie Claire's "Very Secret Diaries" (which were in turn inspired by "Bridget Jones' Diary"). Hers are full of slash, which I personally dislike, so I have made my own. These are my own creations, and I alone hold the intellectual rights to them. I haven't bothered with strict adherence to the timeline, so Tolkien purists beware. Please, no hate-mail or derisive comments. Thank you.

**Day 1:**

Rode into Council of Elrond atop v. large horse. Most impressive-looking. V. masculine/macho. Arwen totally pretty – too bad we're related. But am prettier still so do not care too much. (Note to self: Masculine look better achieved w/out velvet cloak.)

**Day 2:**

V. scruffy looking lot in attendance at Council. Men do not realise how unattractive facial hair is. And could someone please show Gondorian blokes how to use a COMB? Some talk thrown around about gold jewellery – dated and overpriced at any rate, and mithril is **so** much more "in" for all-season wear – and short creatures with hairy feet. (Mental note to self: must call them Hobbits.) Apparently Council have decided to destroy gold ring. Odd. Elrond usually v. fond of gold jewellery. Might as well volunteer services; could be v. big thrill.

**Day 3:**

Company consists of: 1 Wizard (needs laundry service badly); 2 men (ditto, and some hairstyling products); 4 Hobbit-things; 1 other short thing (think is called Giblet or something). And me. So am definitely prettiest in bunch. Setting out tomorrow morning – gotta pack!

**Day 4:**

Have encountered obstacle near Gap of Rohan. Apparently not passable so must travel up steep snowy mountain. Snowboarding sounds v. cool.

**Day 5:**

Pass of Caradhras totally not good idea. Scruffy humans and Hobbit-things not equipped with ultra-cool ability to walk on snow (wonder if it works on water too?) so cannot proceed. Will have to turn back and go through deep dark Mines of Moria. Gandalf not keen on idea but Aragorn rather eager. V. suspicious.

**Day 6:**

Ooh, too dark in Moria. Cannot see. Do not like it here. Keep tripping on short Hobbit-things. Boromir hit funny-bone with own shield. Hee-hee. V. funny (but he did not think so). Otherwise v. boring. Wish I had my Gameboy…

**Day 7:**

V. dark and seem to be getting nowhere. Gandalf has v. cool flashy thing in staff. Wish I had one. Nothing to shoot at. Bow and arrows rotting in quiver, am sure. Hobbit-things always hungry. **_SO_** boring. And have not been able to do cool-looking plaity things in hair since arrived. V. depressing. Am losing manly muscles due to lack of protein. Moria total drag.

**Day 8:**

At last some action! Many Orcs attacked. Kicked total a**. Have discovered can shoot Orcs over my shoulder without looking. V. cool. Gimli's cousin dead as suspected – this place enough to kill anyone. Needs total redecorating scheme. Frodo nabbed by Cave Troll but saved by girlie silver shirt. Thought Cave Troll would kill Boromir too but failed. Bummer. Gandalf has fallen into shadow. (Like, duh! _EVERYTHING HERE IS SHADOW, DUDE!!!_) 

**Day 9:**

Aragorn has decided to take us to Lorien. Just _once_ I'd like to travel and _not_ stay with relatives. Just what I need: yet another blasted tall beautiful blonde as competition. Hate competition. But still not dirty, amazing after dark dank Moria. Perhaps something to theory that Elves born with stick-proof coating in manner of ducks' backs causing dirt to roll off.

**Day 12:**

Finally got chance to take some layers off and strut my manly muscles. Hobbit-things still annoying and ever-hungry. Suspect Aragorn and Boromir in secret alliance against me but do not care as could whip both their arses any day. Scruffy old men. Am total babe-magnet.

**Day 30:**

Finally leaving Lorien. Got v. cool bow and quiver from Galadriel – about time considering has missed every Christmas for past 897 years. Get to paddle own boat but must take along short dirty Giblet (oops, Gimlet – um, Gimli). Am worried that overexposure to sea air may cause hair to frizz. Had better plait extra-tight before departure.

**Day 37:**

At Amon Hen. Aragorn still unsure of where to go as usual. If not for everyone following _me_ – thank heavens for whitewater rafting course years ago – would certainly have got lost. Hobbit-things hungry as usual and Gimli (woo-hoo! Got the name right!!) grumpier than usual. Must have sat on something sharp. 

Boromir acting strange. Suspect something wrong. Perhaps envious of my manly muscles and perfect cat-like physique. A shadow and a threat have been growing in my mind…and a fungus on the bottom of the boat. Total gross-out. 

**Day 38:**

Boromir attacked one of Hobbit-things for gold ring. Do not blame him. Hobbit-things v. annoying. But do not understand fascination with gold ring; Boromir definitely cool-colours man. Gold completely wrong for skin-tone. Other Hobbit-things brought nasty Uruk-Hai for revenge. Boromir shot full of arrows. Boromir dead but had male-bonding time with Aragorn before expiring. Wish I could have male bonding time. On plus side: kicked Orc a** and am still total babe-magnet with perfect hair and feral cat-like physique. Some things never change.


End file.
